Father Christmas: All right my good lady my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you’d better watch out… there’s a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.

Does your wife know you’re single?

Suicide If I’d ever want to commit suicide, I will jump off your ego to your elo.

If you’re an American outside the bathroom what are you inside the bathroom? European.

What happens when Bosnian terrorists start attacking municipal government buildings? It Herzegovina

If you refuse to take a nap… Are you resisting a rest?

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

My wife always cheats when we play board games Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor.

What do you call the poop that won’t wipe away from your ass? You little piece of shit

My poop very recently stopped being imaginary. Shit just got real.