*suddenly awakes* honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy’s face interviewer: ummm

There’s a hole in the nudist camp’s wall The police are looking into it.

How many feminist does it take to change a light bulb? ….Trick Question. they cant change anything…

If Michael J. Fox was sick of his job as a valet He’d have “valet Parkinson’s” disease

What do you get when you are the daughter of Rodney Dangerfield and Aretha Franklin? No R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

911 what’s your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma’am we don’t– IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Failed my biology test today… They asked, “What is commonly found in cells?” Apparently “black people” wasn’t the correct answer.

I slapped a girl in the face at the bar last night … She told me her name!! Edit: I made up this while waiting for GoT. Please don’t get mad. ^I’m ^^pathic ^^^and ^^^^awkward.

Living in Russia… Living in Russia in the winter, you’re already snowden.