I was let down in life by two people My mum, my dad and my maths teacher

What ya call a lesbian with large fingers? Well hung!

Dentist sign reads “KGB Dentistry” The sign continued, “We are Putin in your filling.”

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? IT’S BEEN DECADES, SOMEONE TELL ME FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.

Thought of a ‘2 guys walk into a bar’ joke A gay guy and Sam Adams walk into a bar. The gay guy drank some Sam Adams. But only Sam Adams had alcohol that night.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

There was a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomial.

Two hipsters walked into a bar… The first went in before it was popular and the second was only being ironic.