What’s the difference between getting the girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car? How pissed your wife gets when you explain the coat hanger.

What did the Jewish pirate say when he heard his wife died? Argh, shiva me timbers

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

I farted today and 4 people turned around.. I felt like I was on The Voice.

I’m 100 percent against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.

Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids? Me: When are you going to stop?

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

Thanks ‘the news’, but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven’t seen since high school.

Batman walks into a bar… …Followed by 24 Sodium atoms.