Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

I’ve met many Richards… However, some of them are Dicks.

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

If you like internet jokes, you should see my online bank account.

Why do androids go to Africa to party? Because Botswana have fun.

Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.

What is Brown and Runny? …Usain Bolt

Why Did Hitler kill himself? He was told about his gas bill

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer… I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

A goose walks into a cafe. He says, “I want a burger, fries, and coke. Put it on my bill.”