What’s the #1 cause of pedophilia? …sexy kids NOTE: Don’t let this note, my acct. name, and the fact that this is only my second post interrupt your comedic ~~enboyment~~ enjoyment

When you add the same thing to both sides of an equation, it remains true. Therefore, since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’, then ‘progress’ is the opposite of ‘Congress’.

Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter? He couldn’t remove three nails to save his life

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch? Husband: 4: 7: Me: Well… 7: It really could have been any of us. 4: (licks couch)

My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

Answering your cell when you don’t recognize the number is basically like picking up a hitchhiker. You’re probs gonna die.

Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won’t let see a picture of her you just took.

Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

I would tell a joke about sex… but none of you will get it.