“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.” – Albert Einstein

What’s another name for a Dentists? A filling station!

What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning? “Go Ahead Make My Day”

I’ve started attending a self-help group for sex addicts… I haven’t got an addiction. It’s just a great way of meeting sluts.

how can you drop a raw egg onto concrete floor without cracking it? Anyway you want, a concrete floor is very hard to Crack!

“How Long can a Chinese name be?” — Yoda

You’ve got a face even an Instagram filter couldn’t fix.

Some guy said I was being pithy…. turns out he had a lisp.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Breaking: Man stabbed and killed Morgan Freeman ‘s granddaughter