I can hear my cat’s stomach growling in D#… I better get him a tuna.

Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!

Why can’t cats vote? Because they are non-voting felines!

Before tea-baggers, there were two-baggers. Two-bagger: a woman so ugly you wouldn’t do her unless she had two bags over her head, in case one tore.

Us guys like to be held too. Just, you know, lower. Lowwwwwerrrrrrrr.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked? My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

As a miner, it’s hard being on Jokes. I never seem to strike gold on this Subreddit.

How did the paramedics know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove box

My favorite joke: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!

My girlfriend texted me “helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative” Anybody know what “ternative” means?