I’m no longer allowed in Six Flags, because I put the “semen” in amusement park.

Certainty Fewer things in life are certain than death, taxes and if you name your son Chester he will touch children

What’s the world’s scariest plant? bamBOO!

What do you fire from underwater guns? Seashells

Three French cats were sailing… There was a hole in the boat and un deux trois quatre cinq.

What do you call a smug criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending

Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams “Who are you! How did you get in my house?”

How to catch a Polar Bear Cut a hole in the ice, fill it with dead fish, then hide. When the polar bear shows up, kick him in the ice hole.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone. So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

WANTED: Sanity LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy REWARD: 4 year old