Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out.

When finding out he was into beastiality, what did Robocop say to Schrodinger’s cat? Dead or alive, you’re coming with me

He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.

Why didn’t the homophobe decorate his house for Halloween? Because his skeleton was in the closet

Sitting next to my wife today, I said “I love you”, She replied “Is that you or the beer talking?” I answered “It’s me… Talking to the beer”

Don’t be afraid to speak your mind but know when to shut the fcuk up.

Two men walked into a bar You’d think at least one of them would’ve ducked.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

Why didn’t Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate? He thought they’d want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin’ chickens right also.

I turned my phone on “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst transformer ever.