I keep my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. Easy! It’s right next to the sage.

I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.

Why do Jihadists only drink instant coffee? Because they’re cunts. EDIT: punchline.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone.

What do you call a stuck up slut? Cuntseeded

What do hillbillies do on Halloween? Pump kin.

Start your presentation with a joke My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide…

Jimmy has 36 candy bars, and he eats 28. What does Jimmy have? Diabetes. Jimmy has diabetes.

What do you call a starving artist from 17th Century England? baroque