A man calls his family doctor: man: Doctor for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit. doctor: Ok bring her in and I’ll try to help. man: Fine but whatever you do don’t cure her.

How could batman possibly defeat superman? Put him on a horse I’m now going to hell with the rest of you…

What do you call a bunch of white guys on a bench? The NBA

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.

A thug holds a gun to a dictionarys head and asks ” final words?” the dictionary says “zyzzyva.”

Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze. BOOM.

Q: Why is everyone tired of the king playing video poker on his porcelain throne? A: Cause they’re sick of all his royal flushes.

[during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]