You deplete me

I, for one… like Roman numerals.

What’s the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You stop milking a cow after 13 years.

I’m not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

[parent/teacher meeting] “you must’ve read to him as a baby” *leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

I just read a story about a blind guy who’s training to run in his eleventh marathon in case you were wondering what a lazy fuck you are.

Danny DeVito… Danny DeVito is 70 years old, but he’s had a short life.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The “p” is silent.

Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: “Now that I’ve broken the ice, will you sleep with me?”

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month? Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it! B: here’s your coffee. $12.32 M: thank you