My mate Dave is living the dream. He’s in a coma…

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head… the bartender said, “Can I help you?” and the duck said, “Yeah, get this guy off my ass.”

Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: A chopped baby

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

What did the oyster say when the monster broke into his home? Shucks

This year’s Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it’s gonna end, but let’s all pretend it’s suspenseful.

I’ve just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

What do you call a black man with no arms or legs? TRUSTWORTHY!

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight…. The viewing is at 7pm.