My Iraqi friend skyped me today Something hilarious must’ve been happening because I kept hearing “Hahahahallahu hahahkbar” and then what sounded like party poppers. Abdul sure is a mad one.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

I was invited to an event that requires causal dress. Should I wear a time machine or a syllogism print?

What does suicide and marriage have in common? (This one needs work…) Permanent solution to temporary problem.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippy? Because he was too far out… (dude).

White trash girl How do you get a white trash girl to suck your dick? Dip it in ranch dressing.

Why do they call it Black Friday? Because the prices are so good you are practically stealing.

Did you hear the headline about midget psychic on the run from the Law? It read, “Small Medium At Large.”

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra… and says “I’ll order three beers.”

What’s got a pair of balls and 100 teeth? A: A crocodile Q: what’s got a 100 balls and a pair of teeth? A: A singing choir of army veterans