People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Marriage brings two people together to solve issues they never had before

For my summer job, I worked at the zoo, circumsizing elephants The pay wasn’t great, but the tips were enormous!

My eyes are fine but I still failed my eye exams… I guess I shouldn’t have copied off the asian guy.

The longest joke in the world. [Worth it.] (http://www.longestjokeintheworld.com)

What fish make the best sandwich? A peanut butter and jellyfish

Shortest joke ever? “Pretentious? Moi?”

What do you call the mercury mine? Hg wells

Why don’t they sell aspirin in the rainforest? Because it would be economically unviable to market a pharmaceutical in such a vastly unpopulated area.

Guys, stop with the vagina jokes. Period.