Bikes a bike cannot stand on its own because it is two tired.

Can gorillas swim? No.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped] zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority” cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

What does Moses do when he wants a beer? He brews!

How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb? It depends on the definition of lightbulb.

When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee

Q: Why are all black people fast? A: Because the slow ones are in jail.

Which religion lets you eat as much pizza as you want without getting fat?

I met a girl with 12 boobs once… sounds funny dozen tit.