Dearest wife, The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

What do you get if you put 20 blondes in a row standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, of course!

World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.

My 10 y/o daughter made this joke up on the way to school… What do you get when you cross Hitler with a fish? A-dolphin!

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

My father is invisible… a trans-parent

What’s long and hard on a black man? The third grade.

My uncle has one leg. He’s got a second one as as well. But he also has one

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell outta it.