*loads dryer* Fitted Sheet: HE’S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!

Why was the egg kicked out of the comedy club? Because he was telling bad yolks!

April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need. Edit: missed a word

Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle… …he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

I used to be addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey Luckily I since turned myself around.

How do you get a woman to pick cotton?’ Set her tampon string on fire.