What do plantains say when they lose their phone? “Where did Mofongo?”

What’s the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? … Britney asked to be hit one more time..

My daughter just entered singing “Love you like a love song”. So, your love has a 3 1/2 minute expiration date? Well, I guess that’s honest.

I poked my eye out .(

Men are like placemats, they only show up when there’s food on the table.

The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”

Math problems are like women If they’re under 18 just do them in your head

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh” *makes her laugh* “Not you.”

Why was General Yoda afraid of April? Because March, April May.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”