Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.

This crunchy cat food tastes a lot like I just poured from the wrong packet into my cereal bowl.

Red light : Stop Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

whats a Mexicans favorite video game? Borderlands

Why did the Golfer feel aladeen about his socks ? He had a hole in one.

What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for? A: It’s Braille for ‘Suck here.’

Why don’t midgets smoke weed? Because they can’t get high.

#HowToGetABlackGirl Tell her she look like Rihanna even tho she look like whoopi goldberg in the color purple

I got a Jury Summons today, I’m sending them my Twitter profile to get out of it. Fingers crossed.