Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop.

Shoutout to grandpa… That’s the only way he can hear.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

How can you tell when someone is vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

TIL the Hindenburg fire wasn’t caused by excess heat After all, it’s not the heat, it’s the humanity.

My niece was in the hospital getting treatment for leukemia. She asked me if I’d visit her when she got out. I said “Nah, I really hate cemeteries.”

With great power comes huge electricity bill

I think my glasses make me look ugly… and so do my contacts

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers? Putin on the Ritz~

What is an Irish 7 course meal? A six pack and a potato