After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

Why do they call it Black Friday? Because it’s the only day blacks can afford to go shopping

Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want? Me: Bacon. Wife: And? Me: *blank stare* Wife: AND? Me: A napkin?

What do you call a dog in a submarine? A subwoofer

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there? ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down? COP: I’m listening

What Is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One is white, made of plastic, and very dangerous if left around small children. The other is a plastic bag.

Statistically… 9/10 people enjoy gang rape

These twins I knew in high school both got mono… They got stereo

I saw a sign on the highway that read “End Road Construction.” And I was like, shit, the anti-road construction people are getting vocal.