Hear the one about the deaf man who went fishing? Neither did he.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

What kind of tree grows in your hand? A palm tree.

why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness

*bursts into English convention* GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE *crickets* Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

“I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.” “You couldn’t park anywhere *near* the place!” -Steven Wright

Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh doctor my girlfriend’s just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in say three or four weeks’ time?

What is this superb owl of which you speak?

the times they are indeed a changin..but the one time thatll never change is Lunch time. lock them engagements in if you think this is good.

What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted