I used to be impatient…. … I just don’t have the time anymore.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

So… I hear Bono’s door fell off his plane yesterday… I guess he doesn’t like unexpected things happening to HIS property without his knowledge, either.

Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was out standing in his field….

It takes two who know how to tango to tango.

The only way that Mexico will build and pay for the wall… ..is after Trump runs the economy into the ground and Mexico has to keep the illegal job-seeking Americans out.

Just learned that New York’s state bird is a guy apologizing for being late because of the trains while holding a brand new coffee.

How’s anal like your first car? (x-post from r/funny) You don’t really want it, but your dad gives it to you anyways. (From Dark Humor on FB)

i work in the elevator business. It has it’s ups and downs.

I adopted a rock. He just sits there and does nothing all day. It still beats raising Kylo.