It took me a long time to figure out how one could like EDM music. I didn’t think Electrical Discharge Machining could even make music.

A constipated woman once went 45 days without pooping It was a crowning achievement

What’s the best name for a male dildo-maker? [NSFW] Dick Smith.

So my pregnant wife wanted to introduce toys in the bedroom… I suggested a clothes hangar

*sees guy ordering pizza* “With onion” (Ok) “Sausage” (Nice) “Mushroom” (Hell yea) “Chk” (Plz) “Meatballs” (Why) “Anchovies” (Ur dead to me)

In the South, everyone is treated like family I guess that explains the rape

Sick of tweeting. Switching to faxing. What’s everybody’s fax numbers?

People call me lazy because I sleep 13 hours a day But to be fair, Jesus slept for three days straight and that started a religion.

[mastercard commercial] “there are some things that money can’t buy” politician: i don’t get it

[in basement lab] wife: you cant just make your own honey me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.