Let’s play a game called Fuck Off You go first

I ran over a child who was on his way to band practice carrying his cymbals. I’ll never forget that horrible sound as I rolled past his motionless corpse. Ba dum tiss

[lookin in bushes for our baby] me: where the hell can he be? dog: roof roof roof me: will you shut up [baby waves at the dog from the roof]

So it turns out I’m incapable of describing my feelings. Can’t say I’m surprised…

Mondays are made for booze & antidepressants…ah hell, I’ll just skip to the booze.

How do you get alot of people to check out your post? Tag it NSFW and repost it

Why does everybody like the mushroom? Because he’s a fun guy.

[1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? apparently not 3, because my basement is still dark.

What do you call a barking dog riding the subway? a sub-woofer!!!