Before the invention of the Internet, primitive humans had to Google stuff by waterboarding a librarian.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 raped snow white

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting* Obama: Joe? Biden: AARRGHHH *Gore kicks door down* Gore: MANBEARPIG

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

Yo Mama so ugly, she has to use prescription make-up!

I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.

I was casually swimming with a great white shark today. Until he bit my whole arm off.

What’s a nerdy way of saying a bad word? A canine with two X chromosomes.

When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.

What’s the difference between 9/11 and a computer? I give a shit when my computer crashes