What’s red and is bad for your teeth? A Brick.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

I told you to act natural while I paint. Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table? – DaVinci

What do you call a fly that literally can’t even?

You could’ve told me that wasn’t your real name before I got the tattoo.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi. For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

What does a chef call an undercover cop? Pig in a blanket.

When you talk about IP addresses of an iPad Do you call it iPaddress?

Did you hear about the geometry teacher who tried to take a selfie? It was a protracted process but eventually he found the right angle.

Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.