How many honest intelligent caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

What do you call a pig who’s been arrested for dangerous driving ? A road hog !

*runs into long lost friend* Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do? Me- I disappoint people

Did you hear about the group of Warriors eating Caviar? They Choked

If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don’t wear hats.

How did Canada get its name? They picked random letters out of a hat. C…. eh? N… eh? D….eh?

Doctor: Well ma’am looks like you’re pregnant. Woman: I’m pregnant? Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

I’m not racist… I own a color tv!

Sometimes I like to repost my statuses that didn’t get any “Likes”… because they deserve a second chance too.

A man walks into a bar… His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.