Three Jews walk into a bar Mitzvah.

Tifu by farting in my girlfriend’s face It was a shitty thing to do.

How do you know if somebody graduated from Harvard? They’ll tell you.

Jokes about white sugar are rare… but brown sugar, Demerara.

I hit every traffic light coming home from work today. I should probably learn how to drive better.

An Australian man walked in on his girlfriend getting changed and she said “Have you heard of knocking?” He said “It doesn’t ring a bell”

What do you call a mad lunch? Hater-tots

I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.

Now that pinterest, instagram and netflix are down, I think I’m just going to spend the weekend learning the names of my children.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.