My doctor told me I have type-a blood. Apparently it was a type-o!

Did you hear about the chicken who liked classical music? I swear it was all he talked about. He would go on and on. “Bach, Bach, Bach”!

If at first you don’t succeed….

[hs reunion] JANE: i’m an engineer TOM: i’m a real estate developer AMY: i’m a lawyer *everyone looks at me* ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

A child asked me where babies come from. I said,”Like every other man, in Vegas after a night of drinking and clubbing.”

Her: I like smart guys Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas? Gloves. Jk he hasn’t opened it yet!!

A man buys shares from the stock market. But he never shared any of it.