What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it? H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.

[god to lions] You will be the symbol of power and prestige [sees the crickets] Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna ride bikes?!

[Getting waterboarded] “Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger” [Me, a sponge] “MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender Me: Wouldn’t you rather have your life together?

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

“I hate confrontation” “No, you don’t”

[home depot] ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock HER: Boulder ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. . A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday…

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.