To the guy that invented the number zero Thanks for nothing.

What do people drink at Club Obi-Wan? Qui-Gon Gin.

You hear that asshole talking shit behind my back? I farted.

Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Did you see the video of the woman on her period with a yeast infection? It was bloodcurdling.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing* Me: You really need to hurry up we’re going to be late. *Child starts singing faster*

How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married? There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.

How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb? Six-1 to change the bulb and 5 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics? DAD: Wouldn’t be fair SON: Why not? DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder] Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

smokers have a greater risk of heart disease, stroke and hard-to-hear outdoor phone conversations.