Where does Kylie buy her kebabs? From Jason’s Doner Van. (Sorry, I’m guessing this one’s only for the Aussies and Brits)

What do you call a fat chemistry professor? A significant figure.

Shitty one-liner: Giiirl, you can call me Saturday-Sunday, cuz I’m all you’re gonna be doin’ this weekend. Is this a thing? It feels like it has to have been a thing and I just forgot where.

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 19 . Got a problem with that?

If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.

A Clown held the door open for me today It was a nice jester

Young Actor: Dad guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years. Father: Well keep at it son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.

Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity… No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.

Girl, are you my funny bone? Cause you’re humerus.

Did you hear about Bill Cosby’s new biography? Its called “The Coma Sutra”.