Frozen… Text Message from Wife: Windows frozen. Won’t Open. Husband: Pour lukewarm water on window. Tap gently with hammer to free windows. Wife: Computer really messed up now. Nothing works.

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

There was an indecisive buddha… …his mantra was ‘ummmm’

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? THAT’S NOT FUNNY

What’s the difference between finding $50 and anal sex? One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak.

What two things do black people and flappy birds have in common? They both have massive lips and you can’t buy them anymore!

What’s 14 inches long and makes women scream at night? Crib death.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

Hi welcome to Hollister, would you like a flashlight?

Why wasn’t Hitler allowed at the barbeques? He always burned the Franks.