Bernie Sanders only has one night stands It’s totally not his choice, but women tend not to call back once they still Feel The Bern the next morning.

“I see…” said the blind man as he pissed into the wind. “It’s all coming back to me now.”

Marvel at this joke. What do you call an Asgardian instrument specialist with an attitude problem? A Thor Luthier.

Question: Why do men always give their penis a name? Answer: Because they don’t want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them.

BF went to text me “almost there” It came out “almost dead” So hungover, I wrote back “thank god” And now he arrived and things are awkward

I went to see my Coincidental Hygenist the other day. Turns out she was one of my friends from high school.

Can you even work your smartphone? In what capacity?

A joke for Europe A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab? A German.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

Don’t tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.