Why can’t short people cook? Because the steaks are too high.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours. On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

What happens when you place a black baby next to your ear… You can hear a future mixtape.

If you’re having bow problems I feel bad for you son. I dodged 99 arrows but my knee took one.

Cat places ad in the classifieds… “Seeking Pets”.

A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her? It was a bright sunny day.

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

I went for my physical yesterday. Nurse came in the room and she said “I’m going to have to ask you to stop masturbating” I was like “What? Why!?” She said “because I’m trying to do your physical!”