I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am… I’m not really a mourning person.

I was a virgin by choice until I was 25. Not my choice, mind you.

My ex wife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesawus

“This is where the magic happens.” – Harry Potter walking into his bedroom and every other room on MTV Cribs.

I have come up with a truly fantastic business idea for Malaysia Airlines. A new slogan! “Leaving on a jet plane, don’t know if I’ll be back again.”

Updated list of teen cliques: aioli freaks, Comcastwitches, genderbloggers, Skin taggers, turkeysluts, bolognaboys, Tinyteens, lunch decoys

Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

REALLY GOOD JOKE!!!! DON’T CLICK! NSFW Lemkie