Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.

What’s Santa’s favourite Chinese dish Beef Ho Fun

Why did peanut butter flop at the talent show? He didn’t have the right jam.

Never date a girl with lots of baggage They’ll travel too much, you will never get to see them.

What’s the Priest favorite breakfast? Kids.

What’s worse than locking your keys in you car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger

How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero because it’s already lit fam.

You and I are like ass cheeks… we’re still together after all the shit that’s gone between us.

Dear Satan, God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey. Love, Me

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.