My girlfriend dreamt that I slept with her friend… So I tried to reassure her. I said, “Baby. Please. That’s crazy – I have never slept with your friend. Trust me, you’ve never even met the girl”.

When I was born, I was given a choice a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose

I knew a guy who bowled a three hundred and one How do you bowl a 301? Do you know anyone who has bowled a 300 and lost?

How many liberals does it take to defend America? Nobody knows, they’ve never tried.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers, and says “five beers, please” If you get it you get it

me: wow a pegasus flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names me: oh whats yours flying horse: Pegasus 2

Just held the door for an Asian guy and he said “Sank you” so I punched him in the face. I can’t believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.

My Gladiator DVD stopped working… Talk about an *epic* fail.

Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? Because she is too big for B-shells

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…