Ladies I’ll drive you crazy with my tongue *Never shuts the hell up*

I’ve got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.

Big sunglasses are an ugly girl’s best friend.

I figured out I’m autosapiosexual. I just came to this conclusion.

I use the internet to tell me what the weather’s like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet I know it’s raining!

I hate every child in a commercial.

Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?

Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

I’ve started a new religion based on the consumption of high-percentage alcohol. Its only downside is that I now miss a lot of work due to hangovers It’s called absinthe-theism.

Drunk dude A cop stops a dead drunk and asks “How high are you?” The drunk replies. “That is wrong English. You should say “Hi. How are you?’”