why do asians have small boobs? Only A’s are acceptable

What’s Beethoven doing in his grave? He’s decomposing.

Did you know the ninjas have gotten together and formed a union? They strike from the shadows.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler? A mustache

We were so satisfied with the year 2015 so we decided to hold out on 2016 and instead call it 2015*s+*

Why can’t a Stormtrooper have a baby? Because they always miss.

[lost in Spain] Wife: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias Wife: well? Me: we are in Spain

People who like “The Bachelor” are like racists; you know they’re out there, but you just hope your friends don’t feel that way.

Two of the three times I’ve jumped out of a moving car, Beiber was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.