Me: Which cup do you want? 2-year-old: That one! Me: Let’s pick a different one. 2-year-old: No! *drinks milk from a shot glass*

Someone told me I am bad at driving I told them that if they didn’t like my driving, they should get off the sidewalk.

It’s not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean…it’s whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

[murder scene] Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail SD2- Let’s track him down *10 hours later* SD1-Damn that guy is fast

I’ve been told that red wine compliments a steak. But so far my glass hasn’t said anything nice at all.

Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better get glasses, and stop doing drugs

DID YOU KNOW? I am superior to all human beings — except people.

The gym called… He said he needed to be picked up

Why did Megan fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock Knock. Whose there?? Not Megan.

Was your ass freed from enslavement? Because it’s off the chain.