Women are like draino They will clean you out, but leave you feeling hollow inside

Q: When driving through fog what should you use? A: Your car.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

“Boop” – Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

I just saw a girl pay for a drink. Is everyone okay?

My humor is so black… …On a airport i got checked for Ebola 3 times

[first date] GIRL: When you said “fitness freak” in your profile, this isn’t what I expected HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo