Q: What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot? A: A walkie-talkie.

What do you call the ticket to get into a giant space station shaped like a vagina? A cunt-astro-fee!

God: why don’t we text anymore? Me: you know why God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works Me: k

instead of taking anti-depressants I just think about how many different kinds of sandwiches there are

I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges Turned out he was a privet investigator.

What does a duck always have behind him? His buttquack

Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?

What does a good joke and a man who’s dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common? A missed erection.

Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there..

I once saw a slice of toast in a zoo. It was bread in captivity.