A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

I was cooking a dish with onions in it and my friend cried. I only now realized recently that she wasn’t raising that dog for food.

What do you call a lizard that can’t get a boner? A reptile dysfunction

It’s Kim Kardashian’s birthday. Which begs the question, “What do you get the person who does nothing?”

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

Pretty cool how there are athletes preparing to head to the Olympics in a little over a month and I just got winded making my bed.

What is the worst about having alzheimer’s and dierrhea? You’re running but don’t know where to.

I like my women how I like my light bulbs… Not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement.

Excuse me miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there.

How’s a Volvo just like a woman? The pussy is on the inside.