My doctor told me I suffer from Anorexia… … like it’s not enough that I’m fat.

I used to work at a muffler shop… That shit was exhausting. Then I got a job a vacuum store, but it sucked even more.

Q: What word begins with the letter “F” and ends in “UCK”? A: FIRETRUCK.

I hear voices in my head But I ignore them and carry on killing. (Sean Lock)

What’s Glenn’s favorite fast food? Popeyes!

I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates.

My wife calls herself a trophy wife. I told her that’s because I won the participation award.

What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost. Fasten your sheet belt.

A lion wouldn’t cheat on his wife… but a Tiger Wood

Ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? No? Well, they must be hiding pretty good