It’s hard to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.

Congratulation on the new baby, from your family… except from me because I don’t really care.

My doctor told me to avoid trans fats. I’m really gonna miss Tumblr.

I figured it out. Renee Zellweger is stuck in the longest oncoming sneeze of all time.

How many lonely guys does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he wishes it took two.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it! Hahaha, get it? He fucking brews it

What did the rabbit say to the deer? What up doe

You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.

How much does it cost to buy multiple prosthetic limbs? An arm and a leg.

What’s the difference between a white orgy and a black orgy? Five black people having sex is only considered a threesome.