[Every restaurant ever] Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?” Waiter: “Yes.” Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots

Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking in tents!

What did they call Hitler after he lost his hair? The Bald Eagle….. I’m here all day folks

I used to face my problems head on… …now my forehead has bruises.

Well, if it doesn’t include antidepressants, they shouldn’t call it a Happy Meal.

Dad says to me, you’d be a great fisherman Because you check the net all the time

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

The pope walks into a mosque The imam says “Hey, why the wrong faith?”

Liar, Liar If the guy’s pants are on fire, give him a fucking break about being a liar liar for a second. (via @WiseguyPictures)